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Dee Yun Dee Yun: (contact-deleteme[at]-deleteme-direman [dot] com) 2007-10-05 03:13:46

Pwnership


I don't have a game review to ruminate about, as I'm still butting my head against the wall that is Ninja Gaiden Sigma "Master Ninja" difficulty. Instead, I've decided to expand the scope of my reviews and tackle cheese, the internet, and Alaric of the Visigoths.

Cheese is delicious and certainly possesses substantial replay value, but it has yet to join the next-gen era. Year after year, a "new" reiteration of cheese is brought to market, with few advancements to justify its release. The "Cheddar" edition, in particular, has been languishing in old school modalities, refusing to implement features such as high dynamic range lighting or parallax mapping. Cheese also remains strictly an offline affair, despite the cries from its fan base for a proper online Trueflavor Ranked player match system. At least cheese is a true classic and remains backward compatible with all major taste bud platforms.

Cheese - Rank A (could easily regain S status with a significant overhaul)

The internet is vastly overrated. The control scheme is imprecise and clumsy, resulting in a frustratingly difficult experience. For example, you might be exploring the cuteness of sugar gliders, but stumble and fall into a pit full of disturbating images of interlocking human genitalia, replete with infections that no virus scrubber can ever disinfect from your memory. While this could be considered a reward, like every adventure game from Zork to Day of the Tentacle, the puzzles leading to them don't make any sense.



Okay, shit...this is falling apart on me. I don't think I can keep this up all the way through Alaric, and if I'm going to put this much thought into a parody, I should save it for a future strip.

I just want to congratulate Bungie on their freedom (they leveraged the wheelbarrows of money from Halo 3 sales into buying themselves back from Microsoft). Financially, I (barely) have the means to launch my dream: starting up my own videogame development company. Unfortunately, I can't gamble my entire net worth on such a venture (I have a family to consider). I'll have to put it off 5-10 years until I can afford the risk, but when I do, I pray my studio will be able to deliver quality products while avoiding being snapped up by a faceless distribution conglomerate. There are so few independent developers nowadays, and Bungie, you guys are heroes!

Creative ownership is an ideal I hold tightly to my chest. Even stellar products like Bioshock can be sullied by editorial interference.

If you are an artist or writer with a desire to publish your work, Direman Press is roughly a month away from relaunching as a web-based publishing company. Direman Press ensures creative control and ownership.

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