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What Vargas Loves

Dee Yun Dee Yun: (contact-deleteme[at]-deleteme-direman [dot] com) 2009-03-02 07:48:19


If you haven't heard by now, the "Lost and Damned" DLC for Grand Theft Auto IV has pioneered the way for full frontal male nudity in videogames. Judd Apatow has been at the forefront of male exposure in mainstream films for some time, and Rockstar has followed suite for pixelated penis. I think they can get away with it, because these scenes aren't even remotely sexual. They're just wangs, which are almost always funny.

The "Lost and Damned" display of cock is a fairly amusing sequence wherein the main protagonist, Johnny, is having a meeting with an off-duty senator at his spa. The camera angle of Senator Stubbs' member is strategically blocked off for the player, but Johnny is clearly discomfited by the free range manhood. This plays for a few chuckles as the scene continues, until it's turned around on the player - with a sudden and unrelenting display of dick.

Here at The Adventures of Dave the Direman, we do a lot of penis jokes, and I've noticed a correlative phenomenon. When we do comic strips with punchlines that merely refer to penis, they tend to go over well with a general audience. It seems that everyone finds indirect man-danglers at least moderately funny. But when we do a strip that waves cock directly in our readers' faces (like today), it's always extremely polarizing; people either love or hate it. Even this innocuous blog could have this effect. I'm assuming the words "wang" and "man-dangler" mildly amuse you. But do you cringe a little bit inside at seeing the words "dick" or "cock" in text?

If yes, thanks! The other half of us only derive entertainment from this cheap stunt only so long as you guys are weirded out by the threat of homoeroticism.

Dee Yun Dee Yun: (contact-deleteme[at]-deleteme-direman [dot] com) 2009-03-01 04:55:12

Diplomacy II - Fall 1902 (updated with builds)

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Play the home version by following these forum threads!

England received a sweetheart deal from a panicky Russia desperate to preserve itself. Instead of English fleets carving up Russian holdings, Russian support pushed England into German controlled Denmark. In addition, the French supported England into previously German Holland. England has now caught the leaders in units/supply centers, and has the rosiest outlook of any of the players. They now possess that rare alchemy of firepower, position, and tempo.

France continued methodically, pushing a fleet into the Mediterranean. His campaign against Italy is a slow one, but also an inexorably fateful one unless Italy can arrange someone to intervene on her behalf. In the north, France and England have clearly come to cooperative terms, and they can be expected to complete their assault on Germany.

The clock is ticking on Italy. Barring any French errors, she does not have the position to push France on terra firma, and the French navy will capture Tunisia in two turns. That would be the first domino in the chain of Italy's demise. She needs help to survive this grim fate.

Austria is in healthy shape. His selected nemesis, Russia, is overextended with massive gaps in his defensive structure. It's a guessing game here - Russia could attempt to keep Austria out of the strategically vital Ukraine, but could lose Warsaw if that turns out not to be Austria's move. A similar defensive conundrum for Russia exists in Rumania. The point being, this is a blatant zero sum game theory randomizer situation for Austria and Russia, but only Austria can gain. And that's just this upcoming turn; a patient Austria can move methodically and irresistibly. In addition, Austria is so powerfully and densely situated, they could even spare a unit or two to wander into Venice while Italy is busy with the French, or northward to participate in the picking of Germany's bones. Austria's only liability is that they made enemies with Russia AND Turkey in order to get to this position. Fortunately for Austria, Turkey is woefully ill-deployed to act against him.

Turkey is completely contained. He lost Bulgaria to the Austrians, and cannot reasonably expect to regain it any time soon. The only counterattack with any amount of hope would be to assist Russia in repulsing Austria out of Bulgaria. Aside from the army that would provide that support, all of Turkey's forces are uselessly positioned to act against Austria. Perhaps Turkey should consider shifting allegiances, but at this point, who could trust the treachery of the Hapsburg swine?

Russia has gotten shafted all game. Austria turned on them not once, but twice. Turkey built so as to threaten Russia. Germany declined Russian support, resulting in British encroachment. FINALLY, England emerged as the first nation to actually work with Russia, but this bought him only a few turns of time. The dismantling of Germany is a windfall for England, a prudent investment for France, but a high-interest mortgage payment for Russia. He is currently tied with the leaders, but stretched so thinly he's about to snap. It may be that the fleet he built in the puddle of the Black Sea will be his undoing; an army in the heart of Russia would arguably be of greater value in the current situation.

Germany waited too long. This is now clearly public information among the players involved, so I don't feel bound to secrecy by my neutrality. He entertained deals with all of his neighbors, but by failing to commit to any of them, he ran out the clock on their trust in him. A British/French union is an unlikely pairing, but the two came to the conclusion that the safest course of action was to eliminate the irresolute X-factor of Germany. Germany could still have a chance to play kingmaker, but he failed to send in his retreat/disband orders, resulting in civil disorder. An army in Ruhr would have been much more useful than the fleet in the Helgoland Bight.

David Vargas David Vargas: (dave-deleteme[at]-deleteme-squishycomics [dot] com) 2009-03-02 13:47:16


Somewhere along the line, "Vargas + Cock = Funny" became one of Direman's running gags. The details of the origin are a mite fuzzy, but as Dee pointed out, this gag consistently gets a reaction out of you, our readers. So, in a way, you could say I do love cock, since it's funny. And yes, I wouldn't be surprised if my words are taken out of context.

Mom, if you're reading this, I'M NOT GAY!

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