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Nude Patch

Dee Yun Dee Yun: (contact-deleteme[at]-deleteme-direman [dot] com) 2006-01-13 07:22:25


The Dead or Alive series' notoriety stems not from delivering the deepest fighting system, but from their unflinching dedication to fan service. The DOA brand ensures incomprehensibly curvaceous and nubile (ninja/kung fu/wrestler) girls for your visual titillation. Doubtless, Tecmo has an entire team dedicated to coding the physics behind their bouncing bosoms engine. If you have a fetish streak, it's covered. School girl uniform panty shots and skimpy leather-buckled dom outfits are all available.

This wanton pandering seems to polarize people into two camps: "[character X] is so hot!" and "OMFG you are such a perv; move out of your mom's basement and get a real girlfriend you big fat loser!" I would like to inject a modicum of objectivity to this heated and philosophically vital debate.

Yes, they are so hot. (Kasumi is the hottiest hottie, and if you disagree, you are teh gay.) Not being real doesn't make them any less hot. "Reality" has zero bearing on hotness when it comes to any form of media portrayal of attractiveness. I assume we would all agree that the Victoria's Secret supermodels are hot. (If not, you are teh gay.) Hotness of that magnitude requires an army of agents, image consultants, hairdressers, skin care technicians, makeup artists, mani/pedicurists, nutritionists, fitness trainers, airbrush artists, photo/cinematographers and fashion gurus to achieve. My wife is fond of saying, "If you have that many people working on you, you'd better look good!" Angels strutting around in lingerie and feathery wings while arching their backs and making ecstasy facial expressions are only nominally more "real" than videogame characters. Strip away the fiction of those trappings, and you have no more than an older, trained, artificially polished version of that pretty girl in high school math class you had a crush on. (Unless you are teh gay.)

What is "real"?

On the other hand, it is entirely possible to be a perv. While you could argue that such classification is largely a subjective judgment of degree, I've found at least one clear line of demarcation. There was a community of hackers that would mod the Xbox with custom chips for two purposes: 1) to install Linux for no discernable reason or 2) to program custom skins to render the DOA girls naked. To go to such lengths as to void your Xbox warranty, make it unable to connect to Live, and dedicate hours into meticulously crafting skin textures and pixeling nipples speaks eloquently of a deep-seated pervitude.

Now that I think about it, I should've figured out a way to write PonFarr into today's strip.

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